Monday, July 30, 2007

Dating Tips for the Boys at Flashbacks

It should be noted.... It has been pointed out that I somehow left a very important dating tip out of this post... yes, I am aware that I left the famous butter incident out. The butter incident is a story in itself, and I promise I will tell you about it one day.

I went on a weekend journey to Flashbacks on Saturday! As Jason and his three young friends (Jana, Rachel, & Sarah) are all very youthful and energetic, and as I am an old married lady, I drank approximately one pot of coffee and set out from my house around midnight. Drinks were consumed! Fun was had! IHOP was visited! All around, a good evening, even if at 25 I was the old married one.

I am here today to write a few tips to the young men who frequent Flashbacks and other dance clubs like it and feel the need to try to hook up with hot chicks like Jason’s friends and myself (yes, I’d consider myself a hot old married chick!). There seem to be some serious misconceptions floating around out there about what behaviors indicate that girls actually want to dance with you. Apparently, all those carefully perfected escape moves, secret signals, and rescues by our girlfriends (and conveniently placed nice boys we know) are somehow being misconstrued as, “Oooh, I like you! Can we dance some more? Please, please put your hand back on my ass! Hey, maybe you can hook up with me AND my friend!”. I know, “Go away!” and “Ooh, baby yeah,” are so hard to distinguish. It happens. And so I am here to offer a few pointers.

First tip: If there is a group of four girls dancing, do not dance with one girl, and then when she rejects you move on down the line to the rest of her friends, one by one. Ok, seriously, what makes you think this is a good idea? First of all, if I know I’m third or fourth on your list of hot chicks to dance with, do you think I really want to dance with you? Do you think you’re at all raising my self esteem to the point where I’d think you were an excellent person to have in my life? Secondly, if one of them seems to think you’re kind of a loser, chances are the rest of them will too. And even if one might think you’re sort of cute, she’s not going to hook up with you right in front of her other three friends that just rejected you. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

Here’s another tip: If you start dancing with a girl and her friend immediately starts dancing with her, go away. This is not for your benefit. The girls are not trying to give you hot two-girl action. Rather, this is an escape move that is usually devised long before the girls reach the club and is to be implemented whenever one girl is attacked by a boy she doesn’t want to be attacked by, which, by two in the morning is usually every boy, as they are mostly all drunk and not all that enticing. Just walk away.

Next tip: If a girl tells you she is married, don’t say, “So?” Oh, that is so not cool. First of all, you have just proved to me what a huge jackass you are that you don’t care whether I’m married or not, you just want to hook up. Nope, not cool. Just because you’re a total douchebag when it comes to fidelity doesn’t mean I am. Secondly, use a bit of common sense. If a girl says she is married, she doesn’t want to hook up with you. Period. If she was married and just didn’t care she wouldn’t bring it up. She’d just leave with you.

Also, don’t argue with me about whether I am actually married or not. Yes, I am married! What, you don’t believe me? You don’t think I’m cute enough anyone would want to marry me? Then why the hell are you trying to hook up with me? Secondly, if I wasn’t really married, but I’d gone to the trouble of wearing a fake ring and telling you I was, that would indicate that I wasn’t really interested anyway. See previous tip. Go away.

Mmmm, what else? If four girls are dancing with one boy and the moment you walk up to them, they all feel the need to be very close to that one boy, take a hint. Or be prepared to have your ass beat by said boy.

Also, don’t randomly touch my ass. Again, not cool. I don’t want my ass touched by you. If you’re the sort that randomly grabs asses, I don’t even know where your hand has been. I’ll have to sterilize my ass. Do you know how much of an inconvenience that is?

If you have managed to actually meet a nice girl somewhere and talked her into going on a date with you, there are additional tips you will need. From personal experience, I give you these gems of wisdom:

DO NOT insist that you can see your date’s aura and continue to describe to her what color it is, what it says about her personality, and what it means in terms of who she might have been in a previous life.

insist that you have met your date in a previous life and that you were married in that life. Do not insist that this previous marriage in a supposed former life is an indicator of where your relationship should go from here.

DO NOT tell your date that you’ve been reincarnated and sent here from the past to revolutionize the world using the mass media. Do you know how Hitler/Big Brother/creepy that sounds?

DO NOT tell your date that your spirit can travel to her house and be with her when she sleeps. Can anyone say creepy? Even your disembodied spirit is a stalker. Not good.

DO NOT get to know a girl over a period of time as a friend, insist that you’re just friends, hang out on what you have emphasized as a ‘non-date’ and then attack her and attempt to maul her with frighteningly enthusiastic kisses. When she escapes and tells you she doesn’t like you that way, do not call her later that week and tell her that you probably shouldn’t see each other anymore as it’s just not working out for you. Seriously, I somehow got broken up with by a boy I wasn’t dating who I told I wasn’t interested in after being mauled on a non-date. How does that even happen?

DO NOT take a girl to a cemetery, bring her to a specific tombstone, tell her that one time when you were at the cemetery (seriously, who spends all their free time at the cemetery anyways?) this tombstone floated in the air and the dead came up from under it and chased you around, and then use this story as the explanation for why the tombstone has some chips in it – you know, from when it fell back to the ground. I’m not even sure what the worst part of that story is – that the dead supposedly chased you around, or that this is considered a plausible explanation for damage to the tombstone. I don’t even know where to begin.

DO NOT tell the girl that God told you to marry her. Just don’t do it. What, did God leave you a message on your voicemail? Did He text this to you? And why didn’t he text her, too?

DO NOT start off a relationship by telling the girl that you’ll probably never be able to support a family.

DO NOT ask a girl you are trying to hook up with if she thinks you should file for bankruptcy. See previous tip.

DO NOT tell the girl that you have a million dollars buried under the floor. Why is the million dollars under the floor? Where did it come from? Is there a body down there with it? And why, pray tell, haven’t you dug it up and taken me to a nice dinner already, dammit!?!

DO NOT bring up pre-nuptial agreements on your second date. Also, while you’re busy not bringing up the pre-nup on this date, don’t forget to censor yourself from saying, “I’ve got me a nice piece of land, a job all lined up, and a good home. All I need is a wife and some kids underfoot to work the farm.” I am not birthing your production line. Sorry.

If you are pulled over while transporting a girl on a date, DO NOT wait until the police officer lets you go and then say, “Phew! I’m glad he didn’t want proof of my car insurance!”

DO NOT begin ANY sentences with the phrase, “Well, when I was living in my car…”.

So, guys… I hope that helps. Tune in next time for more helpful dating hints!

1 comment:

Josiah McClurg said...

I usually don't comment on blogs of people I don't know, but I ran across this article and thought it was too hilarious (though all too true) to simply let go un-noted.