That's Not My Pirate

So now that I have a baby, I have ventured into the wonderful world of children’s books. To be honest, most children’s books creep me out. Fairy tales that are so innocently told seem scary to me. Imagine being just a little one and hearing about Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma being chomped up by the big bad wolf. Eek! Then there are witches poisoning apples and fattening up little kids to eat them, and trolls that want to eat the cute little billy goats (what is it with stories about being eaten?)… not to mention parents intentionally leaving their children to die of exposure or starvation or an animal attack in the middle of the woods.

There also seem to be lots of Noah’s Ark animal stories for little kids, where they get to count the animals two by two or make animals noises or whatever. The storytellers have conveniently left out the part about God annihilating all of humanity by drowning.

Cause, you know, that might make the story kind of a bummer.

Anyway, as I was saying, children’s books kind of creep me out. Despite this fact, I’ve started to really enjoy the children’s department at our local library. They have a baby story time on Friday mornings that Norah seems to love, and – bonus! – a hand puppet cat named Puddin’ that they sometimes make sing to the kiddos.

Norah and I have been picking out one or two board books a week to read until the next week when we return them and pick out a couple more. There’s a whole series of ‘touch and feel’ board books whose titles begin with “That’s Not My…”. There’s That’s Not My Bear, That’s Not My Bunny, That’s Not My Puppy, etc, etc, etc,. Each page lists some reason why ‘that’s not my (whatever it is) and then there is something tactile on the page for the kids to feel that goes along with it. For example, here’s an excerpt out of the last one we checked out:

That’s not my bear. Its tongue is too scratchy.

The picture on the page was of a polar bear, and his tongue was made of Velcro.

So, the kiddos can touch the scratchy Velcro tongue, and this is supposed to ensure that everyone has a grand ‘ole time, and the kiddos like to keep reading books. This is important, and I particularly like the pages with something fuzzy on them (That’s my bear. Its ears are so soft!)

So, last week at the library while Norah and I were looking for a book, I happened to notice one of these board books titled That’s Not My Pirate. At the time I thought to myself, “That’s weird, what would we want to feel on a pirate?”, and then I promptly forgot about it. However, as the week has gone by, that stupid book has been on my mind more and more. I mean, really, what textures is my kid supposed to associate with pirating? I get that bunnies are soft and bears can have rough tongues, but pirates? What the heck?

All week long this has been bugging me. The more I think about it, the more completely inappropriate crap I keep coming up with. I finally decided just to write it down so maybe I can let it go. So, here goes! Here is the year’s best children’s book, complete with safety hazards and inappropriate connotations. Don’t say you weren’t warned….

That’s not my pirate, his hook is too sharp!

Look kids! A Touch and Feel hook! You only need a tetnus booster if it breaks the skin!


That’s not my pirate, his peg leg is too splintery.

Anyone seen the tweezers?

That’s not my pirate, his wench is too hairy.

Aww, no sweetie, you don't pet the lady like a doggy....



That’s not my pirate, his sword is too jagged.

Yes, sweetie, that's what we call 'serrated'... Oh... crap! What was that about tetnus again?

That’s not my pirate, his gums are too firm!

Scurvy, anyone?



That’s not my pirate, his stubble is too rough.
Kind of like the velcro tongue, eh?

That’s my pirate! His parrot is so soft!

Finally, something appropriate. And with that, I think we'll say...

THE END!

Beware of Human Babies! (a post by Dingo the Wonder Mutt)

As many of you know, there is a new baby in my house. The two-legged creatures who live here have foolishly allowed themselves to believe that the baby belongs to them, but we all know the truth, don't we? After all, they don't park themselves outside her door while she naps, do they? They dont' sniff her regularly to make sure she's in good health or lick her fingers to make sure she stays clean...

Nope, they sure don't. Good thing I'm around - I don't know what that poor baby would do without me!

Anyhow, I'm here with a PSA (I've heard the female two-legger use that term; I think it means public service announcement) for all you dogs who have found yourself in my position - with a new baby you've got to look out for on account of your two-leggers' kind but feeble attempts to care for our little ones.

Here are my words of wisdom:

Take it from me - Do not, under any circumstances, lick the inside of the baby's hand if your baby has a good, strong grasp. Apparently, human babies have a reflex to close their hands whenever something touches the insides of them. Apparently they also have some sort of reflex to yank and pull once they've gotten a nice, firm grasp. My poor tongue advises you to follow this reccomendation. I think my two-legger baby stretched it a good five inches and I'm afraid I'll be barking with a lisp for the next week.

Aside from that, she's a pretty nice two-legger to have around.

My regards,

Dingo the Wonder Mutt

*Sigh* There Goes Another Box Of Fabric Softeners

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you dropped a cardboard box (containing, let's say, fabric softner sheets) into the washing machine and let it spin with an entire load of laundry?

Me neither.

Despite that fact, today I got to find out exactly what would happen in the aforementioned situation.

Turns out, the box ends up looking like the little bits that come out of a tree shredder, only soggy and wet so that they stick to everything. I suspect I will be picking bits of shredded cardboard out of my underwear for the next 3 weeks or so.

Unfortunately, D has developed the habit of saying, "Why'd you do that?" whenever I do something completely retarded like this. This annoys the living crap out of me as I obviously didn't plan on washing a cardboard box with my laundry. Even more disconcerting, I have done enough completely retarded things that he has been able to develop this habit - we're not talking once or twice here, folks. Because this happens so frequently and because he questions me so often, my very annoyed self has been having conversations that look like this:

Me : (does something obviously stupid on accident) Oh, crap!

D: Why'd you do that?

Me: Oh, you know, I thought it would be fun.... or, oh, wait - because I'm completely retarded and it was an accident. (insert sarcasm and evil glare)


Even with all this, the nurses at the hospital sent me home with a newborn. Everyone pray for Norah tonight.

T.V. Nation

So, it appears that the switch from analog television to digital that was supposed to take place this February has now been postponed until June. This will give the remainder of the U.S. population time to buy and hook up their converter boxes so that no one will have to miss a moment of Wheel of Fortune, God forbid.

When I heard about the switch to digital I simply asked my husband, “Do I need to do anything to keep watching LOST?” When he said no, I promptly stopped caring about the switchover. However, since then a few things have happened that have piqued my interest in the subject: 1) The government handed out coupons for converter boxes, effectively subsidizing the American capacity to turn on a box and zone out without having to think; and 2) the switchover was postponed until June so that everyone has four extra months to locate these subsidized boxes and hook them up. This whole thing has got me irritated and D is sick of hearing about it, so you, my dear readers, are left with this blog.


First of all, the government subsidy on converter boxes is driving me out of my mind. Seriously, the government is subsidizing our capacity to watch TV? What the hell? Has television become that important to our society that the government has to provide subsidies to make sure we don’t miss our shows? Never mind health care; forget higher education – what we’ve really got to worry about as a country is making sure our TVs work! *shudder*

My health insurance premium costs $115 dollars more per month than my mortgage, home insurance, and property taxes combined. You read that right – $115 more. I could own an entire additional house (and probably a bigger house than what I have now, I might add)…. or, you know, I could have health insurance.

But I guess this isn’t really the government’s problem. They’re too busy making sure I can continue watching TV to do anything about it, I suppose.

Frankly, it makes me sick that watching TV ranks higher than health care as a matter of national importance. Television access is not a basic, inaliable right. You don’t need television to live. Nobody’s going to go homeless tonight or die of malnutrition because they couldn’t access digital television channels. But somehow TV has become a matter of such national importance that government vouchers are being given out to subsidize our habit.

Secondly, the date for the switchover has been postponed in order to make sure everyone gets their converter boxes. So, in effect, it isn’t enough that the government has subsidized the converter boxes so that they will be available to everyone – the date also had to be postponed to accommodate those of us who are such slackers that we couldn’t even get up off our lazy butts to get the converters on time.

The whole thing is just ridiculous, if you ask me. In my humble opinion, if you can’t come up with $45 and wander into a store and buy the converter box, you probably don’t need to be watching TV.

It should not be the government’s responsibility to make sure that people can watch TV. National security? OK, go for it. I’m a little paranoid about such things, but at least it falls within the realm of what government was designed for in the first place. Education? Sounds great – set standards and make sure kids learn what they need to succeed. Health care? Absolutely make sure that everyone has access to affordable (as in, costs less than their mortgage) health care.

But TV? Give me a break.

Update on Norah

Here is a quick update on Norah, in case anyone was interested!

Last week Norah had her 2 month check up and the Doctor said she is looking great. She is now 13 lbs, 4 oz, and is 23 inches long. I’m not sure of everything the Doctor checked for, but he was happy with how Norah is doing.

Norah is still eating like a champ (hence the 13 lbs, 4 oz) and has finally started taking something that resembles a nap during the day. As a result, D & H have finally had something that resembles dinner over the last few weeks. She’s also been smiling and cooing and making little baby sounds that are very, very cute. She likes to wave her arms and kick her feet like crazy, though she can’t really get anywhere yet. She looks like she’s trying to roll over, but she hasn’t had a lot of success yet. That’s okay with me – I’m still hoping she stays little for awhile and some of those big milestones are a little scary to me. You should hear some of my conversations with D:


D: What did Norah do today?

H: She kicked her feet and twisted her legs to the side like she wanted to roll over.

D: But she didn’t roll?

H: No, she didn’t roll….. (bursting into sobs)… she’s going to roll someday! Then she’ll sit, and then she’ll crawl, and then she’ll walk…. She’s going to get married someday and I’m going to get old and have grandkids and then someday I’ll die!… (sob, sob, sob)

D: So, uh, she didn’t roll over?


Anyway, Norah is doing well. Here are a few recent pictures of her:

Top Ten Things No One Told Me About Motherhood

1. That my first thought when my baby was placed on my chest wouldn’t be “Oh, my beautiful baby, I love you so much!” but “Is that mucus coming out of her mouth? Gross! Dear God, get it off me!”
2. When your baby screams for an hour nonstop for no apparent reason, you will try every trick in the book to get her to stop, no matter how ridiculous and/or humiliating. When nothing works, you yourself will start to cry and berate yourself for being a horrible mother who can’t take care of her baby. When your baby screams for an hour nonstop for no apparent reason, your husband will try a few tricks, shrug his shoulders, and eat a Kit-Kat bar, apparently unaffected.
3. That when a baby is born and has a cone head, the cone head can actually tilt to one side, giving the baby the appearance of Igor on crack and leading its mother to worry about the function of the opposite side of its brain, which looks like it may have been slightly squished.
4. That my baby would not, in fact, nap. I want to find every person who ever told me, “Oh, you’ll be able to get things done when she naps!” and I want to punch them all in the face. And ask them if they’ll come over and get her down for her nap.
5. That due to the recent popularity of babylegs (teeny, tiny legwarmers) and eighties-style prints on onesies, my newborn baby would be thoroughly prepared for any jazzercise class I could throw her way.
6. That if you put a piece of white tape across the bridge of a newborn’s nose, they will look like a little mini-football player due the extent of facial bruising that occurs during birth.
7. That people would ask me, “Is she a good baby?” without ever defining “good”. And that in my confusion and irritation I would be tempted to answer with, “well, except for the one time we had to pick her up from juvenile detention…”
8. That everyone else I know can place their baby in a car seat, stroller, bouncy chair, or swing and when their back is turned, occasionally the baby will have fallen asleep. And that my baby would begin her career in theatrics early by making a large production of falling asleep and, despite my best efforts, refuse to do so unless I devote every single ounce of my attention to her.
9. That due to the little radar babies have that tells them when mom or dad has put them down once they are asleep, I would regularly creep through my own house like a burglar. And that I would get so good at it I would consider changing careers and learning how to crack safes.
10. That it’s okay for my baby to be a little bit fat (ok, you got me – a lot fat). I spent 7 weeks worried that I’d doomed my child to a life of obesity by consuming too many slushies during my pregnancy until a friend told me babies actually need a little fat to store vitamins and such. According to her, a little fat will make my baby smarter. I’m counting on a good 10 IQ points for that extra chin… oh, and then there are those thighs! Harvard, here we come!

In all seriousness, the greatest things motherhood has taught me to date are……

(drumroll)

…..

To be content with where I am. This sweet little one has forced me to realize that I’m standing right where I fit and to be happy with that. So what if where I fit has more to do with late night feedings than late night dancing? This is where I am right now.

That babies are a wonderful excuse to slow down and enjoy life more and to excuse yourself from the things that don’t really matter.

That babies are also a wonderful excuse for getting out of attending events you didn’t really want to go to in the first place (Oh, I’d love to go to that monster truck show with you, but I just can’t leave my baby!).

That my body is far more amazing than I ever imagined. It grew this perfect little person, somehow managed to get her out, and continues to help her grow by making milk. Sometimes I just look at her and think, “Holy crap! My body did that!” and I can’t even begin to ponder the miracle the human body is.

How nice it is to touch another person. Babies are the only people in the world who don’t seem to mind being in constant physical contact with another human being. Being able to reach out and feel human skin at any time is another awesome perk of being a mommy!

That nothing is as sweet as lying in bed, watching your baby wake up and then smile and coo at you while she kicks off the blankets you so carefully covered her up with because you were worried about her feet getting cold.

Velma's Quote of the Week

Velma: (sitting next to me, talking to baby Norah) Are you ready for a little brother or sister?

Me: (giving Velma a dirty look): Are you crazy?!? Besides, I'm on pelvic rest for at least 6 weeks.

Velma: You can't dance??


'Nough said.