Sunday, January 22, 2017

Captain's Log, Stardate 10/3/16

Originally posted on my What Friends Do blog, 10/3/16

Lumpy Update 10/3/16:

T-minus one week and counting until we are in Indianapolis. On Monday the 10th, Dan and I will go down to Indy for my pre-op appointment. It doesn't look like they need to do very many tests, but there are a few. Then we will stay overnight in Indianapolis and be at the hospital at 5am Tuesday morning for my surgery that is scheduled for 7:30.

How am I doing right now?

Good and bad. Ok and not-so-ok.

This last week I've really been thinking about the diversity in what people have brought to the table to support me. The sheer volume of supportive people who have popped up has stunned and overwhelmed me, in a good way. And when I look at all of them and the various things they have done and are doing for me, I'm amazed. There's everything from craftiness to Reiki, photography to CrossFit, bath bombs to memes to organizing. And the list goes on. I'm amazed at the variety of talent and beauty the people in my life possess, and even more amazed that they've shown up with those things for me. Thank you, all, from the bottom of my heart.

That's the good stuff.

On the flip side, the closer I get to this thing, the darker my headspace gets. It is hard to feel optimistic that there is only a 3-5% chance the surgery would go catastrophically wrong when there is less than a 1% chance that I would ever be here in the first place. Odds don't mean very much to me right now. I've been asking questions about what to expect and what to bring along in the one support group I could find (because, you know, this is a very rare cancer - not so many support groups out there), and the answers are upsetting and scary. 

I worry a lot about how I'll handle the first few months immediately post-surgery, when it looks like I probably won't be able to do basic things like sleep in a bed lying down. And I worry a lot about quality of life for the rest of my life- will the fatigue I already struggle with be *worse* for the next 50-some years? And if so, how can I live with that when it already limits me so much? And so on.

I've picked the xanax back up, I've stopped answering calls, and I cry a lot. I'm trying very hard to hold it together and prepare my family - to get meals prepped, laundry finished, plans made for the kids, cleaning lists ready, our daily routine lists ready, and so on. Mostly I'm getting there. There will probably be things I fail to complete and need someone to do for me. If I call you and ask you for something bizarre, like to go buy a recliner and take it to my house, just trust me.

That's the not so good stuff

Either way, I get through this week, and next week is a go for vacating Lumpy, that freeloading creep. That's the whole goal. I'll keep you all updated if anything should happen between now and then.

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