How to Potty Train Your Toddler

1. When she is but a little baby, think to yourself that elimination communication (EC) makes some sort of bizarre sense and attempt to implement it part time. Ignore snickers behind your back and people telling you that you are abusing your child for holding her over a toilet.

2. Buy a pink potty. Because pink potties are all the rage.

3. Use a diaper/EC combo for a long time. Occasionally fight the urge to punch people in the face when they comment that your ‘potty training’ must not be working. Instead, kindly explain that EC is not potty training, it’s just trying to meet your baby’s elimination needs the best you can. Sigh on the inside when said explanation results in slack-jawed, vacant-eyed stares.

4. Utilize your pink potty.

5. Use more diapers.

6. Hide your pink potty when company comes over to avoid having the EC/potty training/child abuse via toilet conversation EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. you see anyone.

7. Witness your 12-month-old suddenly refuse to use the potty on account of her newfound ability to get up and walk away from it.

8. Attempt to put her on the ‘big potty’ since she can’t get down from it by herself.

9. Listen to terrified shrieks as your toddler reaches for you with what can only be described as horror.

10. Wonder what’s so scary about a big potty and take her off of it.

11. Watch with a bit of sadness as diapers become your full-time routine.

12. Give up on EC completely and totally. Use diapers full time, without even bothering with the stupid potty anymore.

13. Hide the pink potty after your toddler attempts to use it as a hat, shoe, and saddle for the dog.

14. Realize your toddler is going to grow out of her diapers pretty soon if she continues to grow at a normal rate.

15. Sew new diapers.

16. Realize the prefolds you bought for a newborn do not make good inserts for the diapers you sewed for a toddler because they are, well, newborn prefolds. And toddlers pee more than newborns.

17. Sew a bunch of toddler-sized inserts for your diapers.

18. 4 days later, listen to your 18-month-old beg you for underwear (i.e. screams of “Undies! Undies!” when you attempt to diaper her)

19. Shrug your shoulders and put the undies on her.

20. Take her to the bathroom every hour.  Or when she squirms like she has to pee.  Or when she looks at anything even remotely near her undies.  Or when she's "too quiet".  Or when your 'mommy instinct' tells you to.  Or anytime you feel paranoid at all.

21. Listen to Muse to help feel justified about being a paranoid person.

22. Realize your toddler has been dry all day.

23. Spend the next two weeks wondering when your toddler will regress back to peeing herself all the time and need diapers again, and dread the smug looks from people who have seen her in undies this week as they see her back in diapers, look at you, and think to themselves, "See, I knew that kid wasn't potty training.  For God's sake, she's only a year and a half old.  What was H thinking?!"

24. Think up good comeback lines in case anyone is rude enough to actually vocalize all that.

25. After a decent 2 weeks, realize this is the real thing; she is potty training.

26. Wonder what the hell to do with the new diapers and inserts.

Moral of the story – if you want to potty train your toddler, give up on any potty usage and sew a bunch of diapers.