Top Ten Things No One Told Me About Motherhood

1. That my first thought when my baby was placed on my chest wouldn’t be “Oh, my beautiful baby, I love you so much!” but “Is that mucus coming out of her mouth? Gross! Dear God, get it off me!”
2. When your baby screams for an hour nonstop for no apparent reason, you will try every trick in the book to get her to stop, no matter how ridiculous and/or humiliating. When nothing works, you yourself will start to cry and berate yourself for being a horrible mother who can’t take care of her baby. When your baby screams for an hour nonstop for no apparent reason, your husband will try a few tricks, shrug his shoulders, and eat a Kit-Kat bar, apparently unaffected.
3. That when a baby is born and has a cone head, the cone head can actually tilt to one side, giving the baby the appearance of Igor on crack and leading its mother to worry about the function of the opposite side of its brain, which looks like it may have been slightly squished.
4. That my baby would not, in fact, nap. I want to find every person who ever told me, “Oh, you’ll be able to get things done when she naps!” and I want to punch them all in the face. And ask them if they’ll come over and get her down for her nap.
5. That due to the recent popularity of babylegs (teeny, tiny legwarmers) and eighties-style prints on onesies, my newborn baby would be thoroughly prepared for any jazzercise class I could throw her way.
6. That if you put a piece of white tape across the bridge of a newborn’s nose, they will look like a little mini-football player due the extent of facial bruising that occurs during birth.
7. That people would ask me, “Is she a good baby?” without ever defining “good”. And that in my confusion and irritation I would be tempted to answer with, “well, except for the one time we had to pick her up from juvenile detention…”
8. That everyone else I know can place their baby in a car seat, stroller, bouncy chair, or swing and when their back is turned, occasionally the baby will have fallen asleep. And that my baby would begin her career in theatrics early by making a large production of falling asleep and, despite my best efforts, refuse to do so unless I devote every single ounce of my attention to her.
9. That due to the little radar babies have that tells them when mom or dad has put them down once they are asleep, I would regularly creep through my own house like a burglar. And that I would get so good at it I would consider changing careers and learning how to crack safes.
10. That it’s okay for my baby to be a little bit fat (ok, you got me – a lot fat). I spent 7 weeks worried that I’d doomed my child to a life of obesity by consuming too many slushies during my pregnancy until a friend told me babies actually need a little fat to store vitamins and such. According to her, a little fat will make my baby smarter. I’m counting on a good 10 IQ points for that extra chin… oh, and then there are those thighs! Harvard, here we come!

In all seriousness, the greatest things motherhood has taught me to date are……

(drumroll)

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To be content with where I am. This sweet little one has forced me to realize that I’m standing right where I fit and to be happy with that. So what if where I fit has more to do with late night feedings than late night dancing? This is where I am right now.

That babies are a wonderful excuse to slow down and enjoy life more and to excuse yourself from the things that don’t really matter.

That babies are also a wonderful excuse for getting out of attending events you didn’t really want to go to in the first place (Oh, I’d love to go to that monster truck show with you, but I just can’t leave my baby!).

That my body is far more amazing than I ever imagined. It grew this perfect little person, somehow managed to get her out, and continues to help her grow by making milk. Sometimes I just look at her and think, “Holy crap! My body did that!” and I can’t even begin to ponder the miracle the human body is.

How nice it is to touch another person. Babies are the only people in the world who don’t seem to mind being in constant physical contact with another human being. Being able to reach out and feel human skin at any time is another awesome perk of being a mommy!

That nothing is as sweet as lying in bed, watching your baby wake up and then smile and coo at you while she kicks off the blankets you so carefully covered her up with because you were worried about her feet getting cold.